Intentional Singleness.

It’s now been 5 months since I have “sworn-off” dating and entered into this new season of life I am titling, Intentional Singleness. I want use this blog to reflect on some of the (countless) things I have learned in the past 5 months.

Recently, I have been asked quite a few times about how I decided on this whole idea — to halt dating for a year. I quickly realized that when I introduced this idea (here), I never really mentioned where this crazy plan derived from. Well, it all started back in August, around the same time I was moving to Spokane. At that time, The Porch (my favorite ministry in Dallas that I reference almost every blog post…) started this relationship series (highly, highly recommend checking it out, here) which really moved me. I was surprised to find that quite a few sermons in the series centered around the topics of singleness and dating when we shouldn’t date. There was one particular sermon about “baggage” (here) where JP briefly mentioned that if you have baggage you need to heal from, take out your phone calendar and write on the day a year from now, “DATE AGAIN.” And take that time to simply heal.

It’s funny looking back now, because that didn’t really hit me initially. First, since I haven’t ever been in a relationship, I didn’t think I had baggage (HA, good one 5-months ago, Maddy). But after sitting in silence when I was finished with the podcast, I thought, what if I did that?

And then I did.

I pulled out my phone and wrote on the day, August 31, 2017, “Date again.” And the very second I realized what that meant, an indescribable sense of relief and peace washed over me. I felt free. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I felt that liberated. Until that moment, I never knew how much I idolized the pursuit of a relationship.

In the weeks that followed, I no longer felt the need to dress up or wear make-up when I knew a guy would be around. I didn’t care as much about what I said, I just said what I felt. There wasn’t this pressure to be “someone special.” Recently, I’ve been reflecting on the fact that in the past, I would change my interests depending on the guy I’m into… which lead me to question, who am I? what do I like to do? 

It’s a pretty crazy realization when you have lived a quarter of a century and you don’t know what your true beliefs/passions/interests/thoughts are. Being the people-pleaser that I am, I have never focused internally as much as I have externally. So, in the past 5 months, I have been learning a lot about myself.

Furthermore, in these months, I have been learning how to dive into my friendships with the Godly women in my life. As simple as it sounds, this is a new concept for me. Growing up as a tomboy, I have always been super comfortable around “the dudes.” After several superficial and destructive friendships with girls in middle school and high school, I decided I didn’t want to become close with girls. They were fake and distrustful. So I stuck to my comfort zone in befriending the bros.

Somewhere along the line I got the idea that being friends with guys is the first step in establishing a dating relationship. But let me be the first (or not) to tell you, STOP! — it doesn’t work that way. This is not the way God intended relationships. God intended intimate relationship between one man and one woman. I have come to believe that it is unhealthy to seek any form of intimacy outside of the mutual dating relationship (including conversation). Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I believe “friends with benefits” includes the comfort and closeness of a man and woman outside of a committed relationship. Instead, I have learned to seek out my girl friends for comfort and counsel on challenging issues.

About a year ago, Jessie Davis spoke to some of the young women at Red Rocks Church about speaking life into your girl friends. To be supportive of her wins, not envious. I never really realized how poor my support system was because I never let anyone get close to me, especially girls.

So I started investing into my friendships with women. It was such a subtle, easy adjustment, but changed everything. I felt loved, cared for, and heard unlike I ever had before. Everything I was looking for in a relationship was met by the caring and compassionate women of God in my life. Starting this realization in Colorado helped in my transition moving to Spokane and in who I deliberately sought out for advice and counsel (gals vs. guys).

The last thing I want to mention is that in these 5 months, I have thought about the meaning life & marriage differently. Culture (even Christian culture) depicts marriage as the final goal, how you know you “made it.” Why else would this be the event at the resolution of every Disney movie and chick flick? Since this image of marriage has been burned into my mind since I was young, I’ve always thought I will get married someday.

But, that’s the thing…

What if I don’t? What if God’s plans for me don’t include marriage? Would I be ok with that? These are the challenging questions I have been asking myself for the past 150 days.

I think questions like these are so telling of how stepping back, slowing down, and meditating on the reason we are really here on this problem-ridden planet have been so beneficial for me.

I am anticipating this will be a multi-part “series,” so stay tuned!

–maddy.